Having a lot of thoughts and controversy on my own today. Just 30 minutes before office hour was over. I was called in, to meet with boss. It wasn't that big issue for me but boss called QS as well, at first of course it was our mistake to forget things. Then 2nd issue arise, called up purchasing for the problem it was still our fault for making mistake on the project. Yet all the problem was to actually aiming at them. Its like I'm part of the fault but the fault was directed to them instead of us together.
I felt relieved that Boss didn't actually blaming it on me because all the things was supposed to be their work but I ended up doing their part of it. In a sense the fault wasn't on me but to them. But in somewhere I felt bad and guilty for them taking all the blame even tho I helped them and still there's a problem occurred. When they left the room Boss and I had a short conversation. I am happy that Boss compliment me for doing my job and able to deliver what boss wanted. On the other hand Boss gave a small dissatisfaction towards them.
In my mind I'm so happy for the compliment but on the other side how could I be happy when Boss told me that their performance drop. I couldn't accept happy and worst in the same time. Its like I've got a promotion up while the others got fired that kind of feeling you know!? I don't know how to react or to respond the feeling I have right now.
Last month and this month has been an intense situation for me. I am getting more work than before. But I started to like this busy work life. It gets me work up so much, my brain is working so fine. Previously I've been nagging and shitting all sort of stuff of my work life because my brain is decaying. I didn't work anything at all for 4 to 5 months. I literally online everyday, looking at the clock waiting for work off. But now I try to finish everything before working hour ended, as of there's so little time for me to complete my task. Self accomplishment is getting better, I hate to say I like this job. Account was not my thing at all. I never like it. Actually I like the busy life, no matter what job it is as long as it is busy and I can complete all the job I am happy. But I still have to find the one job that I truly like.
Mom said I should make compliment as a confidence in myself. Of course it makes a great impact to strive more and better but confidence I'm not sure. I hate it when I have confidence what if in the end I fell hard. I hate it. I don't think I could take all the consequences and tragic if something went wrong. I might collapse and escape from it. I'm taking it as simple as possible, If I am able to do it I will if not I will ask. I am still young, I don't want to stick into the same job I'm having now. I need to find and get other job, I need to experience different kind of environment because I know I still have a lot more spaces to expand my knowledge and improvement.
It seems that I can't properly explain my feelings right now. All I hope is everything will be alright.
Cheers and God Bless.