Thursday, December 20, 2012

Too much

I'm back again! Its been awhile! Not really! I've been busy at work playing games and twitter. HAHA
Basically busier than last 2 months. Since its the year end everyone is busy especially in account department. Account department is always the busies when its year end.

Rushing for payments, close account for the year end and lots more crappy stuff. Recently my supervisor tell me some of the tips of increasing salary. I was like meh!?!?!? I'm not interested at all.

Seriously even tho I'm a cheapskate and stingy but I don't ask for more when I'm not capable of. As in like forcing yourself to work even harder which is also not related to account so I can get extra money. I know money don't fall from the sky unless we work hard on it.

I NEVER LIKE ACCOUNT! Even tho I'm not working full set account I still find it annoying. How can my mom survive all these year of doing account!?!? I mean like everyday have to kejar payment, go bank, go talk with boss, blah blah blah blah. Same routine! No fun!

Maybe I'm still young. I need some excitement even working ya'll know! Having fun even though working in the same time, that kind of work!? Now I'm so regret taking commerce course! I'm interested in media right now. OMG! When I was in form 5 I know nothing. As in nothing I know about media as in it doesn't exist. LOL I only know Photography is my passion LOL.

Now I felt too late to start over again. Its like going back to Form3 when I already finish my SPM. WTF! Well life goes on! Oh if anyone wanna hire me as the behind the scene crew call me maybe!? hahaha I'm interested in those kind of work.

I don't like exposure! I like behind the scene! Something like event management work, or video-grapher crew all those that involve event, media and crew all those stuff. hahaha Media is such a great influence yet instead being upon the media I wanted to be behind. Hiding at the back but gives a lot of attention in work.

You'll never understand how I feel. LOL. Account is too mainstream yet a lot of job opportunities lol.
Who knows I might be one of the behind scene crew! HAHA Hire me maybe!? Call me maybe!?

Cheers and God Bless!

Saturday, December 8, 2012


As time goes by, we're getting old. From baby we learn to speak and walk. A child learn and absorb very fast especially when they were told what they can do and what they can't do. As a kid we learn to get educate ourselves at school and make new friends and make a childhood memories.As a high schooler we tend to break rules, offend people, being stubborn, and being those particular movie series in drama high school.

 As an adult we take responsibility (depends if your a cheater or not or whatsoever) and makes living by working. We learn more about reality and the demand of the society. Sometimes it breaks us apart from our childhood memories. We know that as time goes by we tend to think differently, act differently and talk differently. That's how society and reality made us become the most cruelty person in universe. 

As a baby to an adult, we encountered a lot of emotion, feelings, anxiety, happiness and a lot more. All these feelings will eventually came when there's an unwanted occasion or something that we never expected to come. Live. Old. Sick. Death. 

That's the cycle of being a human. You'll never know when, where, why, how you'll be sick or dead. I always felt that death is what I fear of. Seeing parts of my family gone is what I hated the most. Even I myself  is scared of death. I always has this feeling what will happened when I'm dead!? When I thought about it I'll definitely pray, pray that I'll live longer so I can spend more time with my family. I wanted to be with them even if I don't get married or whatever it is. No matter what. 

Yesterday Grandma called mom that grandpa is sick. Its normal for old people to get sick but this time it got serious. When mom told me what happened I suddenly shuttered in fear and heart broken seeing my grandpa like that. Even when we visited my grandparents I felt sad very sad that I teared up when they were not around. 

At first we thought that grandpa has internal bleeding where he vomit blood and constipate dark look a like blood. After seeing doctor he's much better but very weak and grandma is weak and tired of taking care of grandpa. What I know from grandma's statement we already assumed grandpa has alzheimer. He's been acting weird and talking about what his past and out of our topic. He looked blank all the time his eyes looking around the house as if it was an unknown places. Forget what he did, forget where's his room and toilet, forget what he wanted to do, can't listen properly.

In a sudden motion everything became a shock on us. Mom and I were so scared that something might go wrong with grandpa, so we looked after him and stay with grandparents all night after work. With one night and all these thing going around we're exhausted and tired. In the sense of fear and worries. We're so fear that anything could happen anytime, worried that grandma couldn't handle grandpa alone.

Grandma is the most tired one physically and mentally and my mom too. Even tho I was just staying at grandparent's house I felt very tired especially my mind. So many things run through my mind that I got so tired, I know I'm tired but I can't fall asleep at all. It took me nearly an hour to fall asleep and I myself is sick too. 

In just one day I felt like I work out too much even tho I did nothing at all. Too much of thinking and worried all those stuff. We thought that something could happen when we found out grandpa is ill. In my mind I wish that even tho he has alzheimer I hope grandpa is still alive and healthy. That's all I wanted, that's all. 

God Bless everyone and my family. Amen.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Trauma + Bad daughter

I think I've already posted about having a trauma that is indescribable. Okay a little bit of recap for you all. I had a trauma when I was 17 years old. Where I can't be left alone at home or outside otherwise I'm scared to death. Its true. When I suddenly got this trauma I felt like I've lost part of my memories that everyone in the school was a stranger, like I just went into another dimension of world and I cried almost everyday in school and took a leave to go home early. Literally.

With the help of God of course I recovered much because I pray a lot that everyday, wishing that the fear I had vanish forever. Hope it would be gone but some part of the fear still remain in me. As time passed I become better and stronger but slowly I judge God's existence. There's A LOT of question suddenly runs through my mind when I was in a trauma.

A never ending question in my mind till I doubt God. Yes I doubt Him. In order to stop my head from questioning so hard I start to ignore everything from understand the meaning of Gospel. That's the only way my heart and mind could still remain properly. If I try to understand the meaning I start to have a lot of question that doubt Him. I felt bad so I kept myself busy with internet and games so that I won't kept thinking too much. I still pray and Love God no matter what He do to me.

I've been sleeping in the same room with my parents since then til now. Its already been 3 years. Maybe its time for me to move back to my own room. Not maybe but its a must.

I've been a bad daughter during this trauma period. My parents supported me a lot especially when I was in fear. I don't listen to them asking for them to do it for me instead (that's when I get a lot better). Now to think of it, I really am a bad daughter.

I never satisfied so I asked for more. The more they did it for me the more guilty I am. Because I'm sleeping with my parents so I basically heard my parent's snoozing sound lately. So I told my Dad to on the fan instead of aircond since using aircond snoozing sounds louder.

The next few days mom told me that Dad uses his both hand to covered up his face while he's sleeping when the aircond was on. Dad covered up his hand, scared that I can't sleep because of his snoozing sound. I immediately broke into tears after hearing that even when I was writing this post. I felt so touched to have a great and a lovely Dad yet in the same time I felt bad for being a shit daughter.

What did I do to deserved such a great Dad and Mom. :'(

I must train myself to be independent since I've recovered a lot.
I must obey and listen to my parents more, of course one by one and slowly (habits just can't disappear in few second)

Lastly, I want to Thank God for helping me, Thank God that I'm still healthy, Thanks God I have a great family and all the blessing despite the period when I start to doubt God.

Thank You Lord Jesus. I felt blessed and happier. And I will continued to be even blessed and happier day by day.

Thank You and God Bless everyone.