Saturday, December 1, 2012

Trauma + Bad daughter

I think I've already posted about having a trauma that is indescribable. Okay a little bit of recap for you all. I had a trauma when I was 17 years old. Where I can't be left alone at home or outside otherwise I'm scared to death. Its true. When I suddenly got this trauma I felt like I've lost part of my memories that everyone in the school was a stranger, like I just went into another dimension of world and I cried almost everyday in school and took a leave to go home early. Literally.

With the help of God of course I recovered much because I pray a lot that everyday, wishing that the fear I had vanish forever. Hope it would be gone but some part of the fear still remain in me. As time passed I become better and stronger but slowly I judge God's existence. There's A LOT of question suddenly runs through my mind when I was in a trauma.

A never ending question in my mind till I doubt God. Yes I doubt Him. In order to stop my head from questioning so hard I start to ignore everything from understand the meaning of Gospel. That's the only way my heart and mind could still remain properly. If I try to understand the meaning I start to have a lot of question that doubt Him. I felt bad so I kept myself busy with internet and games so that I won't kept thinking too much. I still pray and Love God no matter what He do to me.

I've been sleeping in the same room with my parents since then til now. Its already been 3 years. Maybe its time for me to move back to my own room. Not maybe but its a must.

I've been a bad daughter during this trauma period. My parents supported me a lot especially when I was in fear. I don't listen to them asking for them to do it for me instead (that's when I get a lot better). Now to think of it, I really am a bad daughter.

I never satisfied so I asked for more. The more they did it for me the more guilty I am. Because I'm sleeping with my parents so I basically heard my parent's snoozing sound lately. So I told my Dad to on the fan instead of aircond since using aircond snoozing sounds louder.

The next few days mom told me that Dad uses his both hand to covered up his face while he's sleeping when the aircond was on. Dad covered up his hand, scared that I can't sleep because of his snoozing sound. I immediately broke into tears after hearing that even when I was writing this post. I felt so touched to have a great and a lovely Dad yet in the same time I felt bad for being a shit daughter.

What did I do to deserved such a great Dad and Mom. :'(

I must train myself to be independent since I've recovered a lot.
I must obey and listen to my parents more, of course one by one and slowly (habits just can't disappear in few second)

Lastly, I want to Thank God for helping me, Thank God that I'm still healthy, Thanks God I have a great family and all the blessing despite the period when I start to doubt God.

Thank You Lord Jesus. I felt blessed and happier. And I will continued to be even blessed and happier day by day.

Thank You and God Bless everyone.


No comments:

Post a Comment