Lately I have a lot of love controversy running in my head. Maybe I'm being a despo right now for having a relationship but I'm afraid. Yes I'm afraid to have a relationship. I refuse to find a boyfriend and refuse to fall in love. I still can admire lah but not love.
Its really jealous to see my friend to have a great relationship. Lovely dovey around, get to spend a lot with loves one, quarrel once a while, cuddle whole day, hold hands together. But somehow it still makes me afraid to love someone. I never had a boyfriend in my life. Seriously, its great to love but what if its only one side love? What if it doesn't last forever? Yes, I'm afraid of a fail relationship. Cause I heard too much from other people about their relationship to marriage life. Its love, happiness, sad, depressing and etc. All in 1.
I heard too much stories from different people that I let myself drag into this situation. Movie or drama is way too fake, but it still implies in anyone in the world. I have been reading fourfeetnine.com & timothytiah.com blog for 1.5 years when I started to know them through nuffnang website. Both of them we're amazing in terms of relationship and how they express their genuine feelings in their blog. Their journey a long throughout from their marriage stage started impressed me a lot. They are going through a lot of hardship now. I really pray that fighter will born healthily.
I still doubt falling in love, even both of their love is so strong and amazing. I did think of my future if I get into this situation. Sometimes because of responsibilities we forgot the place we came in first. We get together because of love and responsible, not responsibility alone. I want to carry with my loves one with both not one side. When a couple gets old and have children I find that marriage is a responsibility, taking care of children is a responsibility when their passion in love has become dull, everything is just responsibility.
I sometimes envy old marriage couple still lovey dovey holding hands like my cousin's parents. So loving. I think my parents has become parts of responsibility more than love. Its like 60% (responsible) to 40% (love) maybe its also because of me. I don't know, its also part of my fault. But family first no matter what. Even I fucking hate my bro but in the end he's still my bro. Family will never be apart even its only responsibility. (macam suddenly out of topic. lol)
Anyway I've been making my standard way too high. I don't know if its high or not. I really want a guy that has the opposite side of me. Who loves to make me laugh instead of quite one since I'm really a shy and quite person. Totally NO TO SMOKING (I don't want to die early). Tall guys! Where are all the tall guys?? Why guys nowadays SO SHORT?? HAHA One last thing is that he's hot and talented which doesn't mind me being ugly and sloppy. See my own standard not that good but requires a good one! See how greedy am I. HAHAHA LOL
Okay what the fuck am I talking about. Been wanting to express this long time ago but its so hard to translate my chinese into English. lol Hope you guys understand. Urgh its another complicated mixed feelings lately. With all the work stucking in my head lately, I get so stress and tired a lot even if its not a big deal. I need to quit my job soon. 4 more months to go!
Cheers and God Bless.