Too much

I'm back again! Its been awhile! Not really! I've been busy at work playing games and twitter. HAHA
Basically busier than last 2 months. Since its the year end everyone is busy especially in account department. Account department is always the busies when its year end.

Rushing for payments, close account for the year end and lots more crappy stuff. Recently my supervisor tell me some of the tips of increasing salary. I was like meh!?!?!? I'm not interested at all.

Seriously even tho I'm a cheapskate and stingy but I don't ask for more when I'm not capable of. As in like forcing yourself to work even harder which is also not related to account so I can get extra money. I know money don't fall from the sky unless we work hard on it.

I NEVER LIKE ACCOUNT! Even tho I'm not working full set account I still find it annoying. How can my mom survive all these year of doing account!?!? I mean like everyday have to kejar payment, go bank, go talk with boss, blah blah blah blah. Same routine! No fun!

Maybe I'm still young. I need some excitement even working ya'll know! Having fun even though working in the same time, that kind of work!? Now I'm so regret taking commerce course! I'm interested in media right now. OMG! When I was in form 5 I know nothing. As in nothing I know about media as in it doesn't exist. LOL I only know Photography is my passion LOL.

Now I felt too late to start over again. Its like going back to Form3 when I already finish my SPM. WTF! Well life goes on! Oh if anyone wanna hire me as the behind the scene crew call me maybe!? hahaha I'm interested in those kind of work.

I don't like exposure! I like behind the scene! Something like event management work, or video-grapher crew all those that involve event, media and crew all those stuff. hahaha Media is such a great influence yet instead being upon the media I wanted to be behind. Hiding at the back but gives a lot of attention in work.

You'll never understand how I feel. LOL. Account is too mainstream yet a lot of job opportunities lol.
Who knows I might be one of the behind scene crew! HAHA Hire me maybe!? Call me maybe!?


Cheers and God Bless!

Exhausted

As time goes by, we're getting old. From baby we learn to speak and walk. A child learn and absorb very fast especially when they were told what they can do and what they can't do. As a kid we learn to get educate ourselves at school and make new friends and make a childhood memories.As a high schooler we tend to break rules, offend people, being stubborn, and being those particular movie series in drama high school.

 As an adult we take responsibility (depends if your a cheater or not or whatsoever) and makes living by working. We learn more about reality and the demand of the society. Sometimes it breaks us apart from our childhood memories. We know that as time goes by we tend to think differently, act differently and talk differently. That's how society and reality made us become the most cruelty person in universe. 

As a baby to an adult, we encountered a lot of emotion, feelings, anxiety, happiness and a lot more. All these feelings will eventually came when there's an unwanted occasion or something that we never expected to come. Live. Old. Sick. Death. 

That's the cycle of being a human. You'll never know when, where, why, how you'll be sick or dead. I always felt that death is what I fear of. Seeing parts of my family gone is what I hated the most. Even I myself  is scared of death. I always has this feeling what will happened when I'm dead!? When I thought about it I'll definitely pray, pray that I'll live longer so I can spend more time with my family. I wanted to be with them even if I don't get married or whatever it is. No matter what. 

Yesterday Grandma called mom that grandpa is sick. Its normal for old people to get sick but this time it got serious. When mom told me what happened I suddenly shuttered in fear and heart broken seeing my grandpa like that. Even when we visited my grandparents I felt sad very sad that I teared up when they were not around. 

At first we thought that grandpa has internal bleeding where he vomit blood and constipate dark look a like blood. After seeing doctor he's much better but very weak and grandma is weak and tired of taking care of grandpa. What I know from grandma's statement we already assumed grandpa has alzheimer. He's been acting weird and talking about what his past and out of our topic. He looked blank all the time his eyes looking around the house as if it was an unknown places. Forget what he did, forget where's his room and toilet, forget what he wanted to do, can't listen properly.

In a sudden motion everything became a shock on us. Mom and I were so scared that something might go wrong with grandpa, so we looked after him and stay with grandparents all night after work. With one night and all these thing going around we're exhausted and tired. In the sense of fear and worries. We're so fear that anything could happen anytime, worried that grandma couldn't handle grandpa alone.

Grandma is the most tired one physically and mentally and my mom too. Even tho I was just staying at grandparent's house I felt very tired especially my mind. So many things run through my mind that I got so tired, I know I'm tired but I can't fall asleep at all. It took me nearly an hour to fall asleep and I myself is sick too. 

In just one day I felt like I work out too much even tho I did nothing at all. Too much of thinking and worried all those stuff. We thought that something could happen when we found out grandpa is ill. In my mind I wish that even tho he has alzheimer I hope grandpa is still alive and healthy. That's all I wanted, that's all. 

God Bless everyone and my family. Amen.

Trauma + Bad daughter

I think I've already posted about having a trauma that is indescribable. Okay a little bit of recap for you all. I had a trauma when I was 17 years old. Where I can't be left alone at home or outside otherwise I'm scared to death. Its true. When I suddenly got this trauma I felt like I've lost part of my memories that everyone in the school was a stranger, like I just went into another dimension of world and I cried almost everyday in school and took a leave to go home early. Literally.

With the help of God of course I recovered much because I pray a lot that everyday, wishing that the fear I had vanish forever. Hope it would be gone but some part of the fear still remain in me. As time passed I become better and stronger but slowly I judge God's existence. There's A LOT of question suddenly runs through my mind when I was in a trauma.

A never ending question in my mind till I doubt God. Yes I doubt Him. In order to stop my head from questioning so hard I start to ignore everything from understand the meaning of Gospel. That's the only way my heart and mind could still remain properly. If I try to understand the meaning I start to have a lot of question that doubt Him. I felt bad so I kept myself busy with internet and games so that I won't kept thinking too much. I still pray and Love God no matter what He do to me.

I've been sleeping in the same room with my parents since then til now. Its already been 3 years. Maybe its time for me to move back to my own room. Not maybe but its a must.

I've been a bad daughter during this trauma period. My parents supported me a lot especially when I was in fear. I don't listen to them asking for them to do it for me instead (that's when I get a lot better). Now to think of it, I really am a bad daughter.

I never satisfied so I asked for more. The more they did it for me the more guilty I am. Because I'm sleeping with my parents so I basically heard my parent's snoozing sound lately. So I told my Dad to on the fan instead of aircond since using aircond snoozing sounds louder.

The next few days mom told me that Dad uses his both hand to covered up his face while he's sleeping when the aircond was on. Dad covered up his hand, scared that I can't sleep because of his snoozing sound. I immediately broke into tears after hearing that even when I was writing this post. I felt so touched to have a great and a lovely Dad yet in the same time I felt bad for being a shit daughter.

What did I do to deserved such a great Dad and Mom. :'(

I must train myself to be independent since I've recovered a lot.
I must obey and listen to my parents more, of course one by one and slowly (habits just can't disappear in few second)

Lastly, I want to Thank God for helping me, Thank God that I'm still healthy, Thanks God I have a great family and all the blessing despite the period when I start to doubt God.

Thank You Lord Jesus. I felt blessed and happier. And I will continued to be even blessed and happier day by day.

Thank You and God Bless everyone.

Sincerely,
voomei

Undecided

Study or Work??

What can I do with study!?

Benefit

1. Get educated more on economy and the current situation occur.

2. Socialize better

3. Can have boyfriend (optional) :P

4. I can talk better and confidence increase dramatically (depends)

5. Become the leader in group or in charge once a while

6. Having a good memories with group mates.

7. Be young, free and happier

8. Flexible time

9. People are friendly

10. Job opportunity widen

Disadvantage

1. Financial problem (family economy perspective)

2. Stress with assignment n exams (temporarily)

3. Parents would worry

4. Course chosen might not be able to cari makan (can't get a job)

5. Can't pass exam have to repeat another semester

6. Studying some times does not relate to work field

What can I do with work!?

Benefit

1. Save and earn money

2. Spend all the money you can (travel, electronic device, car, house, etc)

3. Getting work experience

4. Be more mature and responsible (depends on the person itself)

5. ( I can't find anymore benefit :( )

Disadvantage

1. Can't socialize

2. Doing the same routine for 365 days

3. Stress for being scold by unreasonable people

4. A lot of misunderstood

5. I CANT GET MARRY EARLIER OR HAVE BF (wtf)

6. All people I know either get married or ugly or no standard or.....idk -.-

7. Know who backstabbing who ( true -.- realistic)

8. Don't want to take risk
9. Force myself to do things I don't want to do (not sexual pls)

All the statement I've mention is only based on my perspective. All the sum up was because of money and job opportunity actually. I FELT HELPLESS. I'm so confuse right now. On the month on Oct, I was so deemed to go to study and I actually told my parents what I want to study. Basically money is the problem and also the course that I've wanted to take. 

Then slowly its already Nov. I started to feel that study was meh... I can't handle the stress!? Giving lots of excuses beside money. 

In my mind I've always has this type of thinking. I want to study but but but but but.......... I want to work but but but but but but........ So many excuses till I don't know how to choose. 

The main point of me studying is because I wanted to gain my confidence back and I wanted to work on what I wanted. I totally lost all my confidence after I graduated my Diploma. Totally lost all. Everything was a mess in talking, don't dare to start any of the conversation nor find a topic to talk. It's like a total despair. I've always wanted to achieve my dream. I felt like I somehow plan all my future ahead if I took the course and study.

I think I cant keep all the secrets now. 

What I've plan was to study degree for 3 years. On the final year I would go to apply for working visa either to New Zealand or Australia. Then working for 1 year in overseas and save some dollar money. I would fly to NY/ California and work in my dream company. Yes I've founded a lot of company A LOT I MEAN that I wanted to work with but everything was way too far.

On the other hand,

If I work. I can earn a lot of money and travel every where I want, but holiday travelling wasn't the thing I want (I want to stay at there. Learn their culture, live like their life, enjoy what we don't have.) Beside, If I don't find a job I like I will never live happily at all. NEVER! After 2 weeks of working in new environment. I started to complain everyday. I can't stop complaining. Never ending stop complain even if it is non of my business.

Never in my life I've complained so much. Never!! Its like ending my time, day, weeks, months, year WASTED!! I want to do something I've wanted to do something meaningful and lots of memories to be remembered.

I wanted to be a full time blogger or a photographer or a event planner! These is what I want!! Not account/ admin sitting in the office typing, filling for the whole life!! I want something fun, adventurous, feeling of a great accomplishment, standing and think what I've done so perfect that my client/ friend/ whatever it is says Thank You to me sincerely and hug me for it. That's what I've always felt and wanted. 

There's a self accomplishment that I've wanted to achieved. I wanted to do something that makes my heart melt down in happiness and unforgettable and be recognize as who am I and what I've did for the best.

I don't want to struggle in despair or lifeless or lack of self esteem. 

It's a feeling that you and even me myself can't describe. I want that. These is what I've wanted. But what will I chose!? I can't foresee my future, I can't plan my future accordingly. Plan might change sometimes.

Will see.
God Bless. :)

Confused

So much, too much, or should I say overload. So many things went through from ups and down. You'll never know where a person go when he/she doesn't update themselves. This year is my last year of Diploma, graduated on April officially on June. Started work from May while I wait for my official graduation ceremony. Decided to resign at the end of August. I'm jobless for the whole September. I'm now officially hired again and became a worker as an account clerk on the 1st of Oct till present. 

During my working or should I say graduation mood. Each of my classmate already decided on what they want to do. But what about myself?? I'm still searching for courses, Uni, country and places that suit me. While I was working (before I resign), I kept on complaining on how I hate my job and how I love my study life. Yes! Working is just a horrible thing when its not one of my favorite. I never like accounting nor financial. I like managing especially event management (even tho include budgeting, financial) 

But I somehow doesn't even think that I perfect for event management. I want something different than others. I like arts and entertainment more but I'm so stupid in technology, system, and all those adobe function. I don't know how to use photoshop wtf. Hahaha no kidding man. NO ONE TEACH ME! and I don't even own the software, you need to buy lah. 

Anyway I'm still thinking what should I study. Yes I start to be independent a little bit. I have this some sort of trauma when I was 17, I can't be left alone I'll scared to death. Slowly things became different and slowly I'm back with my 30% old self that likes to stay alone but there must be things that distract me. hahaha I'm a coward.

People surround me either get a job, study overseas, get married, or just stay at home. There's a time where my friend went overseas to study suddenly appeared back. While he/she avoid me like a celebrity being caught  by the reporter either having affair with another person or being hunt by the police. A lot of thinking running through my mind that time. I was so speechless that time. I want to call he/she or run at him/her but my body and mouth doesn't seems to move or talk at all. 

I was stunted and speechless by him/her present. I never thought things could happen like this. I don't know what happen to him/ her but all I was thinking was why and how! So many curiosity running through my mind. But I pretend that nothing happen and never met during the occasion. I asked my parents about it. There's lots of possibility could happen. 

I couldn't express through my twitter and fb because he/she might notice that I've notice him/her. So if he/she saw this blog update of mine all I hope he/she was doing fine. Because I really cried the whole night thinking all the sweet, happy and fun memories we had and always pray for you whenever I remember you after I know that he/she went to oversea to study. Even though curiosity still running but I'll just let him/her explain whenever he/she wants to. I'll just wait for you to explain yourself. I won't ask until you're willing to blurt out everything yourself to me. When times come I'll know the answer. 

ARGHH!! So much of complaining about my life. Does it even sound like complaining. I hope not hahahaha. I have nothing to say to write now. Buhbye. God Bless. Cheers. :)

NEW BLOGG!!

I'm so sorry for not updating this blog! I've been abandoned this blog for almost half a year. So sorry for those who always follow my update on blog. I've changed my blog or should I say I created another new blog which is more lively and regularly updated since last two month.

 Here's my new blog :D voomei.blogspot.com

Basically I was inspired or not inspired to blog again!?( I don't even know what am I talking about hahaha) You can actually view my current blog here Small intro where a small intro why I made my mind to blog again. About the Social Media East Malaysia is totally a failure for me.

I am very enthusiastic and determined to join their activities but I haven't join at all. We're sponsored to advertise but it's all about food!. The main problem for me to join their activity is because I don't have transport to go to the event. (Super lame excuses but it's true)

Basically I'm still keeping this blog. I hesitated whether to keep or not to keep this blog.  This blog has been a private space for me. I've never let people discover my blog unless my best friend or friend and anonymous reader. This blog have been part of my memories and journey that I've been through.

My new blog are mostly about advertising. I've been joining Churpchurp for years now where we need to advertise to earn money. This type of advertising is a little bit different than Nuffnang. Nuffnang is harder to earn money than Churpchurp. I CAN'T EARN MONEY BECAUSE I'M NOT FAMOUS!! (true story hahaha) No one read my blog since it's too private for this blog.

That's why I've decided to make a new blog voomei.blogspot.com ( I put the link again just in case you've missed out LOL) where I will share in Twitter and Facebook. Especially when I blog an advert. So, that blog has become a public blog for me, this blog will still remain private tho. But I hope my reader will update my blog at the new one so you guys are not outdated ;)

I think I will still update with this blog but not so often then. hahaha I might be back again when I feel grouchy or happy or whatever it is. hahaha I personally really like this blog. It has accompanied me for a while now. Nonetheless this is still my favorite blog. :)

I like to expressed in blog instead of faking it in real life that's why this blog was called Silences Feeling. This blog has a lot of variety feelings from anger to happy to sadness time ( lots of Ups and down story). See I've been expressing more here than the new blog. Too much of publicity and bad influence will never be good.

Anyway I'll stop the crap now Sooooo much of expressing my feeling here. If you guys happen to have update yourself with new NuffnangX Apps or already downloaded the apps please follow me arhh!! Follow me at NuffnangX here's my blog (voomei.blogspot.com) LOLLLL or just type out 'Voomei' in the search tab.

That's the easier way to update my blog frequently in smart phone. Don't say you don't have smart phone arh!? ( I still don't have smart phone lah coz I can't afford buying and follow the plan :P ). You can also follow this blog too. Who know I might update again ;)

Thanks for always reading at my blog even tho I'm not famous :D Bye!!
God Bless all of you <3 br="br">

Champion of the Day.

Last 3 weeks ago it was our opening ceremony for the Sport Carnival

Everyone of us were getting ready for the sport by practicing cheer dance

Practice for the games which who ever is involved.

Let me refresh a bit about the last time what I've post.

1st week of the opening Sport Carnival was cheer and tug of war

Then the 2nd week, we have basketball and badminton competition

The 3rd week was volleyball and futsal competition.

So here's the thing 

Yesterday at assembly they've announced the result for this years 

Game carnival competition.

Trophy 

Okay for the Tug of war competition overall for male we have

3 house that won the 1st place. 

Which is Pink House, Red House and Blue House 

This one is for Male categories. 

Female is the Pink house 

Next we have Badminton. 

Both male and female in this categories won the 1st place

So this guy below represent the Badminton team.

He's pro like Lee Chong Wei. Seriously.

This is Basketball male categories

As well as Basketball female categories won the 1st place

Okay this guys is representing Volleyball male categories

The CEO's expression :O

hahahahahahahaahahaha very cute LOL

Volleyball female categories as well won the 1st place

Overall sport carnival competition goes to *drum rolls*

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BLUE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

We are the Champion for this year's Sport Carnival!!!!

Okay that guy holding the trophy was our house captain.

Look at the crowd.

Once they've announced that we are the winner we scream

#likenobody'sbusinnes #likeaboss

Okay when they started this game 

I don't feel like winning or passion to be involved in this competition

the competition's rule and system was different than last time.

The Captain was like no motivation to encourage us to join the game

nor even belief that we could do the best at all.

So my perception was like 'OH Sure won't win this year!'

But I was wrong

 all of us did their best 

even tho the captain was like no hope or

mumbling or even think that

'Aiya sure loss if we didn't improve or play well!'

We did our best to play the games.

Last year's competitor was very strong.

Some of them were the representative for our state.

So it was like so hard to win but also managed to get 2nd place.

This year they win because they are lucky 

that the competitor was not strong enough

and they have the chance to practice with the high standard tutor 

such as the state representative/ coach/ from professional referee 

So it was lucky tho.

Anyway

Its a good thing that we get the 1st place this year

Because we can make good memories out of it 

instead of blaming each other for losing in the competition.

Oh well

Its over now.

Lets move on and let the bad things flew away.

Have fun and good day everyone

God Bless!